Learning to say goodbye
by Aeriel Cross
Summary: Ichimaru loved Kira. He loved him so much that he didn't even dare to hurt him, would he? GinKira
1. Goodbye

Learning to say Goodbye

Learning to say Goodbye

Title: Learning to say Goodbye  
Author: Alexis Sacrifar  
Genre: Angst / Romance  
Pairing: Gin/Kira

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach  
A.N: Something inspired by book 16 of Bleach, lol. My juniors just said 'spread the virus of love' lol...sigh. Whaddya mean?? My cosplaying as Ise Nanao was alright...rained like hell...but omg i look ugly okay...Outing to sentosa come friday...VOLLEYBALL!! Oh btw my waloli photos are out...uploading them to my blog...

alexissacrifar.

Ahaha...so ugly. I might upload...then again i might not. You can keep hoping i think...

All his life, Ichimaru had always came and went as he liked - he never said anything, never left anything behind. There was no need to anyway. He will never stay long in a place that he will never call home. No place could hold him, for he never did find his belonging. He didn't really expect to anyway.

That was, until he met Kira Izuru.

The first time he saw Kira wasn't in the human world - it was in the Academy. He remembered passing by the training grounds one day on his way to meet Yamamoto soutaichou, when he had seen the blonde training with the tattoed redhead, Abarai Renji. He didn't think much of him then, merely finding the way that he fights is remarkable. Later in the day, he met the boy again in the corridors, with Hisagi. Kira had bumped into him, and had dropped all the books in his arms. Of course, he didn't recognise who he was; he didn't have on his fukutaichou badge, but Hisagi did, and bowed down low to him. 'Good afternoon Ichimaru fukutaichou!!' Always the quick-tempered one, he supposed, for he had whacked Kira's head and insisted that he apologise.

'Ther's no need ta, relax,' Ichimaru had tried waving them off dismissively. Kira was still on the floor amongst his books, staring up at him incredulously, his face a mixture of shock and admiration, before catching himself and jumped up from his undignified position on the floor.

'I-i'm sorry, Ichimaru fukutaichou!!' he bowed low to the ground. 'I didnt...i wasn't paying attention to where i was going! Please forgive me!!'

Ichimaru had been a little taken aback by his behavior, but he was more than just attracted to the soft blue eyes. Perhaps...he didn't let his mind wander too far into vivid imagination, and merely dismissed them. After all, he belonged to Aizen-sama, there was probably no way he could get his own ways around. He could never forget the incident, much later afterwards, when he had cut down the hollows before Kira. The fearful, naked, frightened look the blonde had was imprinted on his mind, as well as the way he had later looked at Ichimaru. Sometimes, when Ichimaru thought back, Kira could actually hold back the hollows with the rest, but fear had overcome him. How could he not have noticed anyway? The thirst for protection in Kira's eyes.

Years passed, and Kira had surprisingly become his fukutaichou. His guess was that Aizen had pulled some strings around, like he usually wound, as naturally as breathing. Perhaps he had noticed the way he had been studying and stalking Kira, despite how much he had tried to make it discreet. Being Aizen, of course, he knew everything.

Kira was hardworking, responsible and reliable, just as Aizen had told him. He did all the work quietly, and fulfilled all his duties, even to the extent of covering up Ichimaru's unfulfilled duties without a single complaint. Ichimaru watched him, observed him with great interest, as his lieutenant tolled away day after day. He noticed the shy glances directed at him, took in the way Kira behaved around him, blushing at every occasional comment thrown his way, figeting whenever he drew too close. Ichimaru had taken advantage of that, and approached Kira more often.

'You can take Kira, but you still belong to me, Ichimaru,' Aizen had told him one night.

'Wha?'

'He's obviously smitten with you, Gin. I permit that.'

_I permit that..._ Ichimaru took it in quietly. Nothing could be done without Aizen's permission, especially not if he's Aizen's property. Ever since he had enrolled into the Academy as a student, Aizen had already claimed him as his, chained him as tightly as he could. He could never escape.

For that reason, he obeyed Aizen, his thirst for freedom struggling at its heavy, lead chains. He had nothing to do anyway. He teased Kira, toyed with him, gave him false hope, but Kira had never once responded harshly. He loved Ichimaru more than anything else, and his sincerity could not be rejected, forgotten, ignored.

Soon Ichimaru soon found his heart in the blonde's hands.

He had probably taken after Aizen, in some ways or other. He smiled at every cry of pain Kira made, but deep inside, he loved his small blonde mouse. But he didn't dare let his true feelings show through, afraid, tentative. He didn't know what would happen if he did, would Kira abandon him? Would Aizen take advantage of it? He didn't know, he didn't want to know. But he gave Kira as much as he could, as much as he dared. He wanted to be free, at least in his own mind - at least, before he would be locked away by Aizen later.

He still came and went, as and when he fancied.

His love for Kira grew, but Aizen did not allow him tos tep past his boundaries, reminding him who he really belonged to. But Ichimaru could never forget, could he? Each time he lay in bed with Kira at night, he was reminded bitterly of the times when he himself lay under Aizen, crying and screaming for mercy with every thrust Aizen made. What did Aizen take him for? There was no love there, just the want to possess, to break. He knew Aizen always took fancy to what he deemed as beautiful.

_If beauty is a sin, why don't someone kill me?___

But he never did let Kira get so close to him, reluctantly nurturing his tender feelings. When Kira found out about the truth, it would tear him apart. But more so that he would be leaving him behind. It pained him, to be attached to Kira so. Is it a weakness? Is it a strength? Tears streamed down his cold pale cheeks each night, as Aizen claimed him. Kira wasn't his. He was Kira's.

And then, the time for them to part arrived too soon.

He followed doggedly at Aizen's heels, reluctantly. But as he strayed around in Las Noches, he felt sick, caged in. He longed to return to Sereitei, to Kira, away from this blank, colourless and cold world that Huenco Muendo was. His heart didn't belong here - this wasn't home. He detested everything, Aizen, Tousen, the Espardas...he had enough.

And then the order came down for him to kill Kira.

'I cannot afford you betraying us at this rate,' Aizen had murmured emotionlessly. 'Kill him and return.'

'Hai...Aizen-sama...'

A.N: Cliffies!! Will add on more tomorrow maybe...Haha.


	2. Gomen nasai

Goodbye cont'

Goodbye cont'

Title: Goodbye  
Author: Alexis Sacrifar  
Genre: Angst / Romance / Tragedy  
Pairing: GinKira

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach  
A.N: Continued from 'Learning to say Goodbye'...hey i've been slacking off the BleachContest didn't i?? I'll catch up next week... Character death...just trying to keep is short and simple/ -shudder- Oh Gin...-cries- Oh!! My volleyball sponsor has ran off!! How dare she!! Anyways. Rowella your request for Bya x Gin is accepted. Lemme think...

The night was cold and lonely, bitter. It was winter, and how long has it been since Aizen's betrayal? Only Kira knew the exact time. The act lay heavy on everyone, the loss was great. Sereitei never lost three captains in one go, and with its own foundations shaken to bits at that.

Ever since then, time flew for Kira. Yamamoto sou-taichou had promoted him to the rank of a captain, as was expected as Renji looked on enviously. He should be happy, he knew, as he bowed to take the white haori from the captain commander, but he just couldn't put a smile on his face. There was never as second, a day when he could stop thinking of his silver haired captain. As he drew on the white haori, the significant mark of a captain, he felt it settle heavily upon his shoulders. He didn't want this, didn't want to be captain. What would he give to get his beloved captain back? Days progressed into months steadily, but his wish fell empty. As he watched the third division bow to him, he felt nothing but grief. He was not captain, never one.

'Well, Kira _taichou_, i suppose...congrats?' Renji clapped him soundly on the back after the ceremony.

Kira taichou...the title didn't suit him at all.

Cold winds rattled his window, and Kira sighed, straightening up from the stack of books he had been sorting through and stretched. Seeing that it was winter, he had mercifully let his fukutaichou home early to prevent him from freezing to death. He remembered the way his lieutenant had been staring at him when he had dismissed him.

'But it'll be freezing in the office at night, taichou!! You'll catch a cold!!'

Kira merely shook his head. How cold was cold? It couldn't be colder than his heart ever since Ichimaru left, he bet. Even now when Yamamoto sou-taichou shivered beneath the thick load of blankets, he felt nothing at all. Just a persistent dull ache in his heart, as a reminder of what he had lost. Standing up, he sighed heavily, looking to the heavy oak desk that used to be Ichimaru's and now was littered with his own things, and ran a hand over its wooden, slightly coarse surface, remembering the times when the sly captain would sit behind the desk, chin resting in his hand, and quietly observing the on-goings around him.The times when Kira would try to secretly clean up the cluttered desk when Ichimaru was away, only to be spun around and pushed back upon the table, soft lips tightly pressed against his own. That was right, Ichimaru came and went suddenly, without prior notice, like a cat. He should have known that Ichimaru would leave him from the start.

'Ichimaru taichou...' he murmured, running his hand over the edge of the tabletop, before letting it drop...

And froze as a hand caught his and pulled him back to collide with a warm, solid body, cold steel pressed to his neck, the blade forcing him to tilt his head backwards, exposing the pale skin. How could he not have noticed an intruder behind him?? Too careless. Heart pounding, he moved his free hand to wabisuke's hilt, but was stopped as the sharp blade pressed down harder, but not yet enough to cut.

'Don't move, an' be quiet.'

He froze again, but this time not out of fear, but in disbelieg. That familiar soft, lilting accent...he closed his eyes, tears brimming. Could he..._dare he?___

'Ichimaru taichou, have you come to kill me?'

That was the first sentence Ichimaru heard from Kira, as he held the small, cold body to him, Shinso's blade, naked and deadly, pressed to his lover's neck. He couldn't see his face, only his back. His hand shook as he held Shinso in place, but he steadied it quickly. So Kira was captain now in place of him, from the white haori he was wearing, the vest making Kira looking even smaller. He felt the small form shudder beneath his hands, breathing in ragged, short gasps, but unresisting, commiting himself to him, at his mercy. He looked at Shinso lying on the slender, thin neck, and swallowed.

_Just do it, make it quick, and leave...___

He pressed down harder, sparking a gasp from Kira as the blade bit in, red blood welling up and spilling down onto Kira's uniform.

_Do it, kill him.___

He couldn't. With a cry, he pushed Kira harshly away from him, and sheathed Shinso with a metallic hiss, before lunging for Kira and wrapping a hand around the blonde's neck, lifted him bodily up into the air, strangling him.

He watched as the blonde thrashed in the air, hands scrabbling uselessly at his neck, flailing, his face turning redder every second from the lack of air.

'I...Ichima...ru...t..taichou...' Kira gasped, choking.

_Kill him.___

But he just couldn't do it. He threw Kira away from him into a wall, and turned away as the third captain slammed into the wall and dropped to the bottom in a crumpled and groaning heap, coughing. Memories flashed through his mind, as clear as if it was just yesterday, him and Kira, whispering heated words of promise to each other, words that he will never be able to keep. He hated himself, regretted it. He wished that he had never fallen for Kira in the first place, if it was to see the lieutenant's blood stain his own hands red. How he wished that it didn't have to be this way.

'T-taichou...?' he heard Kira shift from his position behind him, still gasping for air, voice shaking.

'I'm na ya taicho' anymore, Izuru.' Ichimaru sighed, turning around, suddenly weary. He was tired, exhausted of everything. Kira was still the same as ever, he mused as he watched him disentangle himself from the pile of books and jump to his feet. What changed, was that Kira had became a little thinner, shadows lying beneath his eyes, looking haggard. His eyes, however, remained innocent and trusting.

'Taichou...'

'I said i'm na' ya taichou anymore, Izuru!!' he repeated again, this time, more harshlu. Reaching out a hand tentatively, the urge to touch Kira overwhelming, to convince himself that he wasn't dreaming. 'Do ya hate me?'

'No...how could i, Ichimaru taichou?' Kira closed his eyes as Ichimaru brushed light fingers across his cheek, tracing his features like he always did, and shuddered as he felt lips upon the bleeding cut on his neck.

'Gomenasai...'

It was so hard to believe, that Ichimaru was standing before him, like a dream, dressed in the pure white robes that would mark him as Aizen's comrades. His presence was so close, so real...Kira opened his eyes to look into Ichimaru's, feeling the weight of his grief over the months fall away, drinking in Ichimaru's face, before his eyes settled on a dark purple bruise carefully concealed beneath powder on Ichimaru's left cheek, and noticed a scar leading down from his neck to disappear further down into his pristine white robes.

He reached out a hand to touch them, but Ichimaru had batted him away, his face usually unreadable, now a mixture of anguish and repulsion. 'Don't...'

'Did Aizen taichou-'

'Shh, Izuru...' Before he knew it, Ichimaru had kissed him. 'Ya feelin' so cold now, Izuru.'

'I'm not.' Kira broke away, blushing. He saw Ichimaru move slightly, as if making to hug him, but then suddenly, Ichimaru was gone and reappeared by the door.

'Ya must take care of ya own body, Izuru. I'm na' here with ya anymore...promise?' Ichimaru sighed, back facing him. 'And then, forget 'bout me.'

'Taichou!!'

He saw Ichimaru turn, regarding him for one silent moment...

'Sayonara, Izuru.'

And then he was gone, leaving behind nothing but a single strip of white fabric fluttering down to the floor, the only indication that he had been there. Kira went to the door and picked it up, holding it to his chest, tears now rolling down his cheeks freely.

'Ichimaru taichou...'

He should have done this a long time ago, he supposed. Let it go, leave everything behind. Today will be the last time he'll be saying goodbye. Heart pounding, he turned a corner, feeling the reiatsu behind him draw closer. He was never anything to Aizen after all, just a play toy. He should have known, and did what he was supposed to do at the start.

He felt his pursuer draw closer again.

Why was he fleeing in the first place anyway? He didn't know.

Walls, white walls. Endless, twisting corridors. Was there an end to it?

Dark brown doors flashed past as he fled through the corridors.

_Behind him.___

He turned, glimpsing Aizen's face in the blur of his surroundings.

His eyes. Cold, hard, emotionless. Was that regret? Impossible.

Sometimes, he wondered what he had ever accomplished in his life at all.

The flash of a blade. Burning, searing pain.

Aizen was smiling.

Then...nothing.

A.N: Aah...just review!! I did this in a hurry!! Don't flame me. Wanted to add an emotive poem but can't find any that was good enough... Mas Selamat is still on the loose i think


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